Peeing on a stick

David and I are given the green light to begin "trying" again. We're obviously thrilled at the idea of getting pregnant again, but I'm terrified of the chance of another miscarriage. In October, nearly 4 weeks after my last period, I wake up at 2 a.m. every morning to pee on a stick. It's totally neurotic, I know, but the box says the results are best in the morning, and I'm too excited to wait for a humane time, so I do it at 2.  The first two are negative. I wake David up each time crying and he's understandably unsympathetic. After all, it's 2 a.m. On the third day and my second pack of pregnancy tests, I get a very faint positive. I wake David up for the third morning, pre-dawn, to give him the good news by waving my pee stick in his face. Hm, why is he not more thrilled?

We decide not to tell a soul, since it was so hard to share our sad news last time, and keep that promise successfully until Thanksgiving. In the meantime, I'm in final rounds of interviews with four different agencies. It's hard to feel really committed to this knowing that I have a baby on board, but I'm desperate to get back to work, and more importantly - need to prove to myself that I'm employable. I'm offered a job at the Child Center at an excellent salary, give them a slightly less enthusiastic yes than I would have a few weeks earlier, and continue to keep our secret.

I couldn't be more thrilled about the baby growing inside me, but something doesn't feel quite right. Knowing what could happen has made this time less fun. And keeping it a secret has given me no one to confide in. We start shying away from happy hours with our dog park friends and that, coupled with the morning sickness, ostracizes us further.